Great Expectations

I would like to begin this blog post by mentioning how cool Speak-N-Spellman is.

With that said, today was fun. A pleasant mixture of us, the Fugees, and the Franklin Forks had a blast breaking in Edgely 7. The "game" started with Buddy stacking the deck in his favor by choosing teams, but in blew up in his face when we scored 40 in the first inning (according to official scorekeeper Blackjack Andy). But who cares about a fake game? Let's get down to the important stuff. Here's a half-assed recap of shit that happened:

• Ryan shamelessly hit on Maureen.
• MMN shamelessly hit on several women, Buddy, two trees, a flip-flop, and on the way home, a police officer of questionable gender.
• Mike showed up, tattooed the ball and made stellar plays in the field.
• Then Mike and Chuckles B. Favre had a two car pileup at 2nd.
• Conspicuous by his absence was the Commish, who was off on his latest Edventure.
• Inconspicuous by their absence were the Shiffka's arms.
• Mickles threw a Frisbee at my head.
• People talked shit on Pam's dog.
• I called Chris "Chippy" for a good three innings and then felt sheepish.
• A lot of people got drunk.
• Some people didn't.
• Chris may or may not be a serial killer.
• I elbowdropped Buddy in the field.
• Then we did the Electric Slide. Nobody noticed.
• The OC ladies stepped up their field game. 
• Pineapples are better when they are purple. And soaked in alcohol. 
• BK drew a Sharktopus on the wall in my back yard.
• The Blogfather no showed after hearing there would be oranges present. Happy Ryan?

INJURY REPORT: Chuckles "Pink Tits" Favre bled onto his Wicked Witch socks. Maureen smelled Buddy AND a sweaty flip-flop. Strange. MMN drilled a Harlot with a ball, she was fine, he ended up with blue balls after a lack of follow up. Ryan threw his back out thinking about an 18-year-old intern. Buddy is expected to fully recover from the aforementioned elbow drop. Scrappy-Doo was scarred for life by a giant wiener. Meanwhile, Injurygraham has yet to be injured.

QUOTES:

"We broke Whitmarsh" - Me
"He's held together with tape, gin, and..." - BK
"Douches." - Me

"I didn't know we were playing!" - MMN
"That's what she said." - Jill. A scientist.

"Your mom!" - Some bald asshole

"I'll do whatever I want to Tina this year." - A hopeful guy in a Frankford Hall shirt

"I kept it in my mouth!" - A Harlot named Scrappy Doo

"I swear like a swailor." - Slurry Hussey

"It's so dark out and I can still see your skull." - Whitmarsh to his little Buddy

"With friends like these who needs LSD?" - Mickipedia

"I'm going to be anti-social and not talk to anyone." - The Jill

"I'm gonna score, dammit!" - Old City Asscap
"You're going to masturbate sadly in the bathroom." - Forceful Asscap

"Why don't you answer my texts?" - Former Management with separation anxiety

"I heart you." - The Fairmount Pooper
"Fantastic." - Unfortunate victim
"I can't wait to be inside you again!" - Pooper

"You said your car smelled like leftover Buddy." - Twittwer
"Yes! It did. It does. And it will again." - Dejected Maureen

"I'm too tired to make sentences that make sense." - Scrappy

"He didn't like my Pickle post. What a salty vegetable." - Some guy who writes blogs and takes his pants off in the field

"Grab this and see how warm it is." - SNS to some Hussey

"Eat something before you pass out." - Debbo
"But I'm coaching!" - Witty Asscap
"Right, because we can't live without you." - Proud new owner of a fancy phone

Happy Memorial Day

To celebrate a day in which we remember, we're going out to a field to play softball and melt. So, to get you all sufficiently hyped for today's festivities, here's some pump-up music to get the blood flowing:

Their Hearts Grew Three Times Today

Originally I planned to ignore this game and recap my most recent barbecue (it was great), but a funny thing happened on the way to a crushing defeat. The Tappers showed mercy, and even joked around with us. Eventually, base runners (walkers) were even coaching our fielders. Gosh darn it, they were just so nice. But now, onto the recap.


We took an early lead with some good hitting from Harry Potter (+5 Points to Gryffindor) and some of the Brians. Then the bottom of the first happened. Whoops.


From there, it went a little something like this: The Tappers spent what seemed like 23 innings (it was one, maybe two) drilling the ball into other fields, and at one point, Pittsburgh. We had a couple of mini-rallies (brought to you by the SPTR), one of which I killed by blowing a base running call (sorry Harry, -5 from me). We scored at least one more run, probably more, but definitely one because I scored late in the game. Essentially, after a safe 5246 point lead, SPTR began playing Tucker-style ball, and killed us a little more softly. It could've easily been a slasher-style murder, but instead they put a fluffy pillow on our face and whispered "Sssshhh" until we stopped twitching. 


In closing, I would like to thank the SPTR for their good sportsmanship (Whitmarsh is crying somewhere while Memorial Nick is hitting on an almost 18 year old) and dedicate the following song to them:

SCORE: There was a score. 


INJURY REPORT: BK didn't have it his way when a ball collided with his noggin. In a post-game interview, BK mumbled incoherently for a few minutes before proclaiming that he should have left his hat on and something about He-Man. 


MORAL VICTORY: We brought out the best of the SPTR. Then I went to a bar with a Scientist and a Wizard.


QUOTES:


"Ow." - Charlotte


"This is Buddy: Glug glug glug!" - Brett Favre
"Glug glug to you too, sir!" - Buddy


"I got picked up at the Art Museum today!"
"By who?"
"A Harlot and a Hussey."


"We all showed up in one Volkswagen." - Me, to a Tapper, after we made five errors. On one play.

Anteating hipster putdown

"Did you see that?! I got a double play!" - Speak-N-Spellman, clearly ignoring the fact that the runners stopped. 

"Check out this blog!" - Jilly from Philly
"OMG I love blogs!" - Your faithful blogger
"Pat, I am sad that you are just discovering this site. I have lost many an hour to this blog over the past 2 years." - Kidnappable Allie
"And Allie off the top turn buckle with a Flying Hipster Putdown." - Mickles


"You have some serious nips going on." Char, to Speak-n-Spellman
"Do you want some band aids?" Da Ali V Show, also to Speaks

"School is fun, but Professor Snape gives too much homework." - Harry Potter


"Who's funding this?" Giant Rooster


"You want to fuck the devil?" Confused drunk to Mr. Potter

Yes, Master

Another (scheduled) game and another rainy day. Today's forecast is about as sunny as the Tappers' disposition. Whether the game happens or not, here are a few things for you to consider.

• Running forward to the ball is easier than trying to catch it over your shoulder. Play deep.
• To a toddler, the Academy of Natural Sciences is a cross between a zoo and a pet cemetary.
• The Liberty Bell and Betsy Ross had a great PR team to get this famous.
• A hot dog and/or PBR cannon would make our games more interesting.
• Buddy, despite ascending to captainship, is still bald.
• I need more people to send me quotes/amusing anecdotes from our games.
• Brian Hussey has a different definition of love than I do.

Trade Rumor: Word on the alley is that the Gryffindor Quidditch team is looking to make cap room by trading Harry Potter to the Rising Suns for two draft picks.

Predicted (Heckilng) Score: Old City out heckle the Taps  56 to -3

Tonight's Forecast

Bishops Molest Freedom

This guy was clearly rooting against us

That's another one in the L column, folks. After a slow start, we showed a little fire in the sixth, but it was too little, too late. Mike the Scientist finally got to use Physics on the mound and did pretty well. Beth made her pitching debut and was pretty solid. We may look to sticking with 1-2 pitchers per game in the future.

Fielding was again our weak point, particularly when an Asscap missed an easy throw at first. A couple of times the outfield was caught playing a bit too shallow, despite Janet Jackson's warning from last week's blog post (no one reads this shit, I just write it to entertain myself after a loss).

On the plus side, there was food. And, on the tenth anniversary of AI's rant, some of us practiced. From the practice we gathered that Mike the Scientist may not be the first to pick up on dirty jokes, but he sure can pitch. Jill is quite stellar in outfield, as was Ali last week. The lesson here is that we can put ladies in positions other than pitcher, catcher, and second base.

SCORE: 26-8

INJURY REPORT: Early reports are coming in regarding a bunch of bruised egos. Apart from that, one of the Bishops fell over randomly at first but still got my slow ass out. Also, the team had it's ringer removed when Actual Nick couldn't make the game.

MORAL VICTORY: We scored our first no-out runs of the season, got a couple of extra base hits, and I won a bet about how many times BK would take of his hat. I bet 4, and he only dehatted twice. His betrothed guessed something like 17. Wrong.

QUOTES:

"Let's go Catherine!" - Some Hussey
"That's Charlotte!" - People who care about names

"You disappoint us when you're not drunk!" - Benchwarmers to Speak-n-Spellman
"That's what my mother always said." - Dejected Spellman

"Can someone help me catch?" - Da Ali V Show
"Sure. First, open your glove." - Some asshole

"I saw a black bear once." - Spelly
"Racist." - Asscap PW

"FUCK!!!" - BK, to a ball

"There are three Brians and two Husseys on the team." - Bench
"Oh there are definitely more than two Husseys on this team." - Peanut Gallery
"I don't get it." - A Scientist

"What the hell just happened?" - Jilly from Philly, either halfway through our game or halfway through From Dusk Till Dawn

"I'm going to drill Buddy." - Whitmarsh

Bishop Takes Pawn

Barring a miracle from the magic of Supermoon, we're not looking too great in our match-up against Bishop's Collar on Monday night. On the bright side, we opened our season against the top four teams in the league, so we weren't expected to do much of anything. Maybe with a little practice we can be more competitive. On the not-so-bright side, I'm almost out of tequila.

Prediction: Bad Guys - 18, Good Guys - 11

Implements of Inscription

Evil, freedom-hating pen

Good news! The prediction that we would score 11 runs was right! Too bad for us that the P&P crew racked up 23. Definitely not our worst performance, there were a lot of good hits from team Freedom today. Our biggest problem is mistakes on the field and not playing these teams deep enough. When we're facing P&P, the Collar (next week), the Ball Tappers, or the Refugees, just imagine them coming to the plate singing this, and then move back. They can all be contained*

Other predictions that came true: Tango the dog did indeed run to third. I drank, heckled, and broke the hitless streak. A soccer team did end up in the outfield. I learned more names! (Kat with her ownership of the plate and other Ali with her impeccable fielding while holding a beer. Let the record show I am spelling it Ali because she was floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee or something.) The grammar nerd in me is hating the amount of words in parentheses there. In addition to Ali and Kat, I learned that most everyone else on the team is Brian. That being said, let's get on to the fun stuff.

Score: 23-11.

Injury Report: Mike Simzak continues to steal Injurygraham's thunder by hobbling after a play at second, and is going to spend some time at DH. P&P Ellen used her womanly wiles to convince Speak-n-Spellman not to play the ball early in the game, resulting in a career-threatening bruise to his ego. SNS is expected to make a full recovery once he gets a sandwich named after him.

Moral Victory: Mike the Scientist used physics to throw some solid pitches and make a case to be our starter. Jill and Ali made third base and shortstop their bitches with some amazing fielding. Charlotte picked up her hitting (and rhyming) game. I had my best hits ever. Unfortunately, this all occurred while we were fucking around after the game.

Quotes:

"Do you want Candy Graham's advice for hitting?" -The yet-to-be-nicknamed Pat
"Yes!" -Charlotte
"When hitting, boobs and then bat!" -Me again

"My car smells like leftover Buddy." -Maureen of the Force

"Now all I can think about is boobs!" -Char
"Welcome to my world." - Asscap

"You should pregame the games." -Everyone, to Ali

"What rhymes with Charlotte?" -Me
"Harlot." -Charlotte
"Kat! Keep your eyes on Harlot!" -Jill

"We should practice again." -Assorted teammates, to BK Haveityourway
BK's response:

*Not including the massive egos of the tappers or 'fugees.

P.S. Email/text me funny quotes from the games, I have the memory of a Golden Girl.

Pencils Down

After two crushing defeats, one fun and one just eh, we are scheduled to make up a week 2 match-up with the Pen and Pencil Club. According to someone who has nothing better to do with their time, we are a nine run favorite in this game. We have scored seven runs this season so far, so we'll see about that. Captain BK Haveityourway thinks we can do it, I think we can as well. Either way, it should be fun and competitive.

Game Predictions:

• BK will run with hat in hand
• I will drink and heckle after snapping a two-game hitless streak
• A soccer team will again choose our outfield to play in instead of the actual soccer field
• Tango the dog will nail a bases-clearing triple in the fourth
• I will learn the names of two more people on the team
• The good guys win it, 11-7

I don't have a relevant picture, so here's this:

It's Still Early...

Apparently softball > work today. I'll make this quick. We have played two pre-season games and two regular season games, and they went a little something like this:

@ Franklin Force April 10th
Our first game as a team was against the team that spontaneously combusted into three separate teams in the off-season. It went like this: all of the people who actually work at the 'tute used the Force. The ringers pulled a reverse Lauryn Hill by splitting to join the Fugees, the actual Franklin employees made like the X-Men and turned to a bald man for leadership, and then, well, there's us. That about sums it up, oh and we lost that game. Oh well.
QUOTES: I vaguely remember a couple of vultures chasing Speak-n-Spellman, and he made a humorous remark about our season's life span.
INJURY REPORT: First Basemen #1, shoulder, probably out for the season
SCORE: We lost by more than one baseball point.
MORAL VICTORY: We only lost one person to injury

A Google image search for "Buddy Muhler" returns this as the #2 image. According to Google, this is Buddy Muhler.

vs. Franklin Force April 17th (Now with hot dogs!)
We learned from our mistakes! Or some of them, at least. There was still some half-blind guy with no depth perception in right field (they let me drive, too). Blackjack Andy of the Force brought a grill and made us food. Yay! Tucker V. Tuckerson seemed a bit Tuckered out, but still played dizzy bat for some reason. We fielded better, probably because we smelled hot dogs and wanted to get off the field. Our bats were pretty good, but we had a fair amount of errors go our way. We won this time, so that's cool.
QUOTES: Something disparaging about Memorial Nick. Use the comment section to try out your own insults.
INJURY REPORT: Two games into the preseason and Injurygraham is still functioning. Something isn't right with this picture.
SCORE: We won by a run thanks to a homer from Pew (Pew Pew). I wish my last name sounded like the noise a laser gun makes.
MORAL VICTORY: An actual victory

As if we needed to be reminded of the score.

@ Catty Refugees April 24th
While this provided a great opportunity for three straight weeks of heckling, starting against one of the best teams in the league is kind of a bummer when you're an expansion team. But then a funny thing happened on the way to a crushing loss: we held these bums to three scoreless innings and discovered that Memorial Nick struggles against Actual Nick. Then we made some changes, stopped playing deep, made some errors, and lost the game. These things happen. At least we got in some decent heckling.
QUOTES:
"Get that man a bra!" - As Derm rounded third on his home run
"He's expecting." - Memorial Nick, in response

"Whoa! It's like looking in a mirror!" - BK Haveityourway as Derm pitched to Speak-n-Spellman

"Whoa! It's like looking in a mirror!" - Buddy Muhler, at a mirror

INJURY REPORT: First Baseman #2, knee, questionable. The Artist Formerly Known as Management (henceforth TAFKAM), back & pride, day to day
SCORE: Three games in and I finally remember the score: 14-2. 
MORAL VICTORY: We beat the spread.

vs. Ball Tap Room April 30th

The Tappers

For someone who has played four seasons in this league over the past eight years, I really knew little about this team going other than that they hit deep and still have a trophy boner from last year's long-awaited championship win. It was 4-4 after the first, and I guess that didn't sit well. As we got drunker and occasionally played softball, they began doing whatever they could to avoid Actual Nick in the outfield. There were two close plays at first while we were at bat. We were safe on the first one, and that didn't sit well. We were safe on the second one by a hair, but I called it out so eyes didn't roll out of heads which made BK Haveityourway sad. Sorry, BK. Speaking of BK, let go of that hat. Just let it go. You can pick it up after the play is done.
QUOTES:
"HOLD! HOLD! HOLD!" the entire bench, as Amy the Bad Ass rounded third and slid into home for our final run

"Wilmarth? Benson? Pam? Is this a batting lineup or a list of people that Whitmarsh and Ventrola hate?"

"What the hell is wrong with that dog?" Several teammates who are new to the league

"We're almost winning!" Small child on the SPTR bench when we were down by more than 10. We got heckled by a toddler.
INJURY REPORT: A Tapper got tapped by a wayward pitch that would make Mitch Williams smile.
SCORE: 27-5
MORAL VICTORY: Tango the dog filled in at mascot and immediately out-shined other mascots such as the aforementioned special dog and that asshole Ziggy.

The Team With No Name

We either needed a blog or an actual team name to be official, so blog it is. We're a little late here, so expect a pre-season/early season recap later when I decide writing for a beer league softball blog is more important than my job. In the meantime, predictions for the season:

• We will start adding real victories to our moral ones
• Each game, at least one member of the team will sit on the bench as a pile of beer cans amasses beneath them
• By game 6, I will know the names of all (or most) of my teammates
• By game 9, I will know who the hell Ryan has been referring to in his blog
• Tango the dog will become a surprisingly stellar right-center fielder
• BK Haveityourway (FKA Pickle, Benedict Pickle, The Salty Vegetable, etc) will realize you can't throw a ball with a hat in your hand
• We may actually go to a bar after one of our games
• Fleischer Tina will put up Halladayesque numbers on the mound
• Injurygraham will not get injured
• I will jinx Injurygraham in a blog post
• We will settle on a name for the team
• First base will stop being a cursed position 
• No one will out-Tucker Tucker V. Tuckerson
• But Speak-n-Spellman will try
• I will try to give my team as many quirky nicknames as possible
• Buddy will squawk "Playoffs?!" and then cry a little when Memorial Nick isn't there to acknowledge it
• Speaking of Memorial Nick, he will cower at the thought of having to play his nemesis, Actual Nick, again next season
• Jill the Scientist will collaborate with Mike the Scientist to deduct a winning formula for our yet-to-be-named team
• Carryable Ally will travel by duffel to at least 3 games
• Halfway through the season, we will realize that we win anytime a grill is present

That's all for now. Please feel free to contribute quotes, fun facts, predictions, and/or entire posts to this blog.