Softball Blogging 101 or What Is This Shit?

Hey, remember that time we won?!

It was recently brought to my attention that there are people on the team who aren't too familiar with what is going on with this blog. This post is intended to make an attempt at explaining this ridiculousness and help you familiarize yourself with the cast of characters that are often the butt of my terrible jokes.

First and foremost, this blog exists to make fun of ourselves and other teams. You will notice that some people get mentioned more than others. This is usually because I try not to insult people I don't know that well. For example, you will see me ridicule BK, our Academy representatives, Charlotte, and Spellman on a frequent basis from our team, and I hurl insults at members of several other teams as well. These are all people who know me well enough to know that I am full of shit and are also likely to send me reminders of funny things that happened or people said during games. Being made fun of is probably the best way to get a mention here, but definitely not the only way.

The blog's secondary purpose is to recap the games (Here's a good recap from last season). As I have the memory of a goldfish cracker, this has been a bit hairy so far this season. I'll get better at this starting tonight, as I plan to take a photo of the book so we can get a bit more recap into these posts so I can waste less space making fun of people you don't know.

With all that being said, I'll introduce you to a few people you don't know, but first, a history lesson:

A long time ago someone thought it was a good idea to start a softball league in Center City. In the early years there were museums, newspapers, and branches of government represented. Most, if not all, of those teams have since morphed into something else. For example, the Chamber of Commerce had a team, and eventually nobody on the team worked for the CoC anymore. So they creatively renamed themselves X-Commerce before taking on a bar sponsor and becoming the South Philly Tap Room. Our team has a somewhat similar history.

The Franklin Institute had a team from day one. For awhile, they teamed up with CHOP to become the Choplin Force or something like that. Eventually, they dropped that ridiculous name and continued on as the Franklin Force, though they kept some hangers-on from CHOP. Over the years, the team grew and grew and grew and began winning championship after championship. Despite this success, several members of the team who actually worked for TFI barely got any playing time while players who were friends of someone or leftovers from CHOP took up the bulk of the playing time (because they were frankly better than the science nerds). For the record, those science nerds included BK, Allie, Charlotte, and yours truly.

Asscap PW & Cap'n BK as CCSL Champions in 2010

Cap'n BK, known at the time as Pickle, tried to form a team for the NCC in order to get some more playing time. The CCSL was hesitant to go for that, because the original NCC team apparently forfeited too many games due to lack of players. I think it was a season later when I caught wind of this idea when BK approached me with the idea of forming an Old City team. I sat down with Ed, Ryan, and Buddy from the Force and lamented about the lack of playing time over some beers. Meanwhile, BK and Kerry Sautner were pressuring Ed Wagner (CCSL Commish/Franklin Force teammate) to let the NCC return to the league.

What ended up happening is this: We got our team! Hooray! To keep the number of teams even, the ringers from the Franklin Force formed their own team (Catahoula Refugees) and left the science nerds to fend for themselves as the Franklin Force. With that convoluted history lesson out of the way, here is a list of people I make fun of (and that you should meet when we play them):

Buddy Muhler: Buddy is 28, bald, and has an epic ZZ-Top Beard. As one of my best friends and longtime teammate of BK and I, Buddy will get made fun of more than just about anyone else.

Ryan Whitmarsh: AKA Twitmarsh, Management, and Not the Blogfather. Ryan is a dick and the captain of the Catahoula Refugees who has the same head as the Hulk, just whiter and stupider. I couldn't even explain who he is without making fun of him. Despite that, he's pretty funny and will give you got hitting advice.

Nick Ventrola: AKA Memorial Nick. Another Franklin leftover on the Refugees. Nick and Ryan are hetero lifemates in the vein of Jay and Silent Bob, except neither of them are silent. If you are female, Nick will hit on you. Also, if you are a pretty dude. But don't worry, our Nick has been labeled as Memorial Nick's nemesis, due to Ventrola flying out to him several times last season.

Ed Wagner: CCSL Commissioner and Club Edventures founder. Ed is like the Wizard of Oz of drinking games. One of his Edventures is a pretty cool rafting trip in August and is highly recommended.

Tina: Tina plays for the Fleischer. She retired this year, after inventing softball and playing for countless years, but she will still heckle the shit out of all of us. Expect to see her tonight.

Mickey Maley: AKA Mickles, Mickowitz. Asscap of the Force, and probably their best player. Mickey's strong desire to win is overcome by only his loyalty to Ben Franklin's favorite softball team.

Candy Graham: AKA Injurygraham. Candy (seen in photo with BK and I above) is known for getting injured, except for the miracle of 2012 during which she didn't get hurt once.

Derm: The Jolly Green Giant of the Refugees. Has the same laugh as the Ghost of Christmas Present from the Muppet Christmas Carol.

Maureen & Danielle: The Olsen Twins of the CCSL. I put them on this list specifically to make fun of them.

Adam Philips: The latest addition to the list of people to make fun of, Adam (AKA Destroyer, Beast, Clutch) is on Team Green Tambourine, the weird Please Touch/Barnes hybrid now known as the Barney Touchers. Adam's addition to this list is based on his team's propensity toward forfeiting and the fact that I work with him and we've been talking shit for two months already.

Over time, you will see other random names pop up, and I'll do my best to explain who they are. In the meantime, keep sending me quotes and reminders from the games, and most importantly, have fun!

Fleischermania IV

Tonight is a big night for the Rising Suns, as we meet the Fleischer Art Memorial for the fourth time. It only seemed appropriate to give this match up an over-sensationalized name to hype up the game, so ladies and gentlemen, welcome to FLEISCHERMANIA IV!!!!!! Here's a look at how the first three Fleischermanias went down:

Fleischermania I - The Phantom Menace - June 18, 2012
This historic first meeting saw the Rising Suns blindsided by an opponent more formidable than anticipated. Despite a heroic home run from Cap'n BK, the Fleischer (who still need a clever nickname) went on to dominate the Suns in a 29-1 massacre. Though he missed Fleischermania I, a prophetic blogger predicted "the next time we play the Art Memorial, things will be different." Hmmm.

Alyssa McIntyre's favorite film

Fleischermania II - The Clone Wars Back 2 the Hood - July 17, 2012
Things will be different indeed. Coming off a spirited showing against the Franklin Force, the Rising Suns came into Fleischermania II hungry for a win. And we got it. With our best lineup of the season and stellar play across the board, the Rising Suns staved off a winless season with an heroic 11-6 victory. Highlights included Kevin's multiple triples, BPH's performance on the mound, and Aaron Benson's game-sealing grand slam in the top of the seventh. Also noteworthy from this game was the official formation of the Happy Fun Times Committee.

Fleischermania III - Revenge of the Sith - March 27, 2013
Prior to the opening bell of the 2013 CCSL season, the Rising Suns squared off against the Fleischer Art Memorializers (?) in a preseason scrimmage. Those evil bastards showed up with improved play and a few new heavy hitters that helped them along their way to a 17-11 victory. Despite the loss, we played well and maybe, just maybe if we went a full seven innings we would have seen a different outcome. 

Fleischermania IV - A New Hope - April 16, 2013
Tonight, my faithful reader, things will be different. We are coming off of what I think was our  best performance. We are hitting well and playing smarter in the field. Communication in the field has improved. Our new bats are pretty legit. There's a lot going for us in this game, including the memory of Fleischermania II when we got the duke on that glorious summer night. So tonight, we will drink beer, score runs, and hopefully no one will take a shot in the mouth from an errant ball. So I leave you now with some words of inspiration. Not from me, but because it is WrestleFleischermania IV and there is red and yellow on our jerseys, from the Hulkster himself:


Prediction: 16-12, Rising Suns with a big win early in the season

Zoobilee Zoo

Everyone loves making new friends! (Except Tiff)

Previously on Rising Suns Softball: We lost and I was a crankypants.

Tonight's Episode: Yes, tonight was another in the L column for the Rising Suns. But it was also one of our better games and a sign of wins on the horizon. After one inning in the books we were all tied up at two. The Zoo managed to get a few more runs on the board, but we played some of our best defense in the next couple of innings. John Pugh worked well with Allie and Charlotte, getting some key outs. Spellman heckled Charlotte for not getting a double play, but our faithful Pope didn't turn any double plays either. His head got pretty red, though.

We almost batted through the order in one inning, and overall our hitting was good. The new yellow bat seemed to be a welcome addition to the team. If memory serves, almost everyone had at least one hit and several crossed the plate. In fact, we tied for our highest score in Rising Suns history tonight with 14 runs on the board. For the record, Team Green Tambourine (worst name ever) scored nothing tonight because they couldn't field enough players. Just saying.

As with most of our games, we had one rough inning in which we gave up a lot of runs. I apologize for my pair of errors at first, which probably didn't help. The Zoo had a few hitters who were consistently finding the holes in our defense, and there wasn't much we could do there. As Cap'n BK said, with some better defense we're a contender this year.

The Score: 23-14, Animals win

Skinned my knees while taking a shot in the mouth. Let the jokes begin.

Mr. Bump Injury Report: Well, I slid to the ground to stop a grounder that ended up catching me square in the jaw. I expect to be back to heckling tomorrow, so no worries. Apart from that, we walked out of this game unscathed.

Aesop's Moral Victory of the Game: We played well for 90% of the game, made smart plays in the field, and put 14 runs on the board. Also, Barry's pitching seemed to befuddle the Zoo for a good two innings, and Harry Potter showed that our bullpen is deeper than that of the Phillies right now.

When Your Bank Says No, Champion Says Yes Champion of the Game: B-Hussey for a spectacular sliding catch in left and a decent showing at the plate.

Quotes:

"It's ok, I bless with this hand." - Pope Francis Robert Spellman, after a line drive to his southpaw
"Wonder what he means by 'bless'" - Anonymous

"Pour some beer on it!" - BK, using the Ed Wagner First Aid guidelines

"NNNNNOOOOO!!!!" - Speak-N-Spellman, shielding Da Ali V Show from a foul ball

Josh, in the Snark Tank

"That was so goddamned sexy!" - Shameless HFTC President, regarding B Hussey's stellar catch

"I am the Jill." - Jill. Don't remember when this happened, but it was on the quote list

"Nice cardigan, bro." - One bro to another, at Cherry Street Tavern

"I hope you guys lose more than us." - Some guy who forfeited a game but calls himself the Destroyer

"I don't feel awkward when I should." - HFTC member
"That's the understatement of the year." - Scientist

"Way to get that double play." - Sarcastic Boots
"Snark Tank!" - Scrappy Doo

"Does this make my butt look big?" - Josh (see photo)

Next time on Rising Suns Softball: We have the Fleischer Art Memorial on Monday. We beat these guys last year and put up a decent showing against them in the preseason. This one's winnable. Also, later this week there will be a special blog post detailing the rich history of the CCSL and how our spunky little team came to be. 

Mistakes Happen

Spellman for America

Previously on Rising Suns Softball: We finished the 2012 season with a win and looked ok in the preseason.

Tonight's Episode: The two teams with only one win from last season met tonight in what should have been an exciting contest. In the first inning, the top of the Rising Suns order hit three home runs in a row followed with a John Pugh triple. This should have set the tone for the season, but alas, twas not to be. At the top of the second we led 4-2 and it was all way downhill from there.

The Force adjusted their outfield and Wiggles made some good plays to contain our power hitters for the remainder of the game. Said Wiggles also did well at the plate, as we did not adjust to contain the Franklin's hitting. Hopefully a practice on Monday will help address our fielding issues.

In other news, we had good pitching throughout the game and decent fielding early on. Our bats were on fire early, and were quickly extinguished. Several members of the Rising Suns were curious as to why some positions played the entire game whilst others were three deep on the depth chart. There is something to be said for getting everyone some playing time, whereas there is also something to be said for keeping a cohesive unit on the field. Unfortunately, we didn't really do too much of either. Going forward, our focus should be on communication and smart plays in the field as well as patience at the plate. Frustration led to several outs from our hitters.

The Score: 23-6, Force.

Mr. Bump Injury Report: First Lobster was victim of friendly fire at least twice. The Pope took himself out of the game to avoid a repeat of last year's career-ending injury. Hopefully both will be ready to go next week.

Aesop's Moral Victory of the Game: We all had jerseys, I guess.

When Your Bank Says No, Champion Says Yes Champion of the Game: Da Ali V Show for taking the aforementioned friendly fire.

Quotes:

"What, you don't like America?" - Speak-N-Spellman to the Frankliners regarding our bunting

"I'm scrappy!" - Marino, thinking she can handle the President

"Aww, I wanted to say that!" - Buddy, when someone else said "Your mom"

"Nice hat." - The Pope
"Did you just say I'm hot?" - A scientist who is used to compliments

"You're playing first, right?" - Budsy
"Ha! With my luck, I'm DH!" - HFTC President who can see the future

"Why are some people in for the entire game while three people share one position?" At least three people, none of whom are me (for the record)

"Drink our beer." - Injurygraham

"I want him on our team!" - Cap'n Budsy to Marino about someone on the Rising Suns

"Is there going to be another longest national anthem ever this year?" - Mr. Andrew Piazza

"His name is Wiggs? As the only registered Federalist in Pennsylvania, I resent that." - SNS

Next time on Rising Suns Softball: We are hoping to have a practice on Monday, followed by Tuesday's game  at Edgley 8 against the Zoo. We're away in this game, with our home opnere on 4/15 against the Fleischer. If we play smart and keep the mistakes to a minimum, we can win both!

Disclaimer: My fingers are frozen and my brain is drunk. Sorry for the typos.

Forced Enthusiasm

Science Fest - Coming Soon!

Tonight, we have the Franklin Force at Edgely 4 to open the 2013 CCSL season. Last year, we faced the Force in the second to last game of our inaugural season, and it went a little something like this. A few things have changed since that game last season. Here are some of those key changes:

• Buddy's beard grew
• B-Straz left the Rising Suns, leaving us without that key unassisted double play at short
• Jason left the Force, so no more line drives to my glove
• Tucker left the Force, so no more clueless base running
• Buddy's beard grew some more
• The Force went on an engaging, marrying, baby-making spree
• Half of our team is no longer designing a badass exhibit
• We got new bats

Hamels' mustache > Buddy's beard

Tonight, we find out if any of that shit matters. The Force has looked good in practice. Well, as good as that group of people can look. But they should be formidable opponents. As should everyone else in the league. Speaking of everyone else in the league, Twitmarsh predicted a 3-15 season for us and 2-16 for the Franklin. To me, that's a prediction of a win for the good guys today. Let's examine some other predictors:

• Magic 8-Ball: "Concentrate and ask again." Fine, asshole.
• Magic 8-Ball Take 2: "Concentrate and ask again."You have got to be kidding me.
• Magic 8-Ball Take 3: "Yes Definitely." Finally.
• Coin Flip (NCC-Heads/TFI-Tails): Tails. Shit.
• Dice Roll (NCC-High/TFI-Low): 11. 

Also, I had a dream in which Buddy trimmed his beard, so between that, the lazy 8-Ball and the dice, it's a win for the Rising Suns. I'm sticking with a 14-11 score that I predicted last week. Here are some more predictions:

• Debris will settle into Buddy's beard
• Injurygraham will get injured
• BK will be woefully optimistic about our playoff chances after the game
• Heckling will be at an all-time high
• I will not fall 
• I will jinx myself in a blog post
• Maureen and/or Danielle will lose some sort of bet to me
• Beth Van ACE will strike out at least two of those silly science people
• The Rising Suns outfield will communicate and contain the Force hitters
• BK will spend another season denying the existence of this blog
• Charlotte will put the snark back into snarky
• Jill the Scientist will show up
• Harry Potter will not
• Our team shirts will look snazzy
• You will hear the word "pickle" at least five times

The 17-11 Experience

Previously on Rising Suns Softball: We finished last season with a win, a Miss Congeniality trophy, and the formation of a Happy Fun Times Committee. We also played a game in January.

Tonight's Episode: This evening we had our first (and only) preseason game against the Fleischer. Hey, remember the last time we played them? That was pretty neat. Speaking of the Fleischer, we need a clever name for them. Like the Flashers, but funnier. Anywho, we played a game.

After a grueling pre-match Rock, Paper, Scissors showdown between the President of the Happy Fun Times Committee and a former Fartie, the Rising Suns elected to kick off. We gave up three runs in the first inning, but looked better on the field than at any point from last season. Except for that one time, I think it was the last game of the season. Then came the bats. We made it almost all the way through the order and put six runs on the board. Not too shabby.

The game stayed pretty close for awhile there, with some truly impressive play from both teams. It probably would have been more impressive had I not tripped over second base and face planted in the dirt. I'm fairly certain the Ghost of Simzak Past cursed me or something. Either way, it gave Tina a reason to make fun of me.

We had a rough inning during which we gave up a shit-ton of runs, which was very reminiscent of last season, except for that one game. We rebounded nicely by tightening up the fielding and getting a few decent hits. We also had consistently smart base running, if you ignore that asshole who forgot you can't run through second. All around, this evening's showing was a good effort and a promising start for the Rising Suns.

The Score: 17-11, bad guys win. Sorry, USA.

Mr. Bump Injury Report: Beth Van ACE took a line drive to the shin, which is always fun. She walked it off like a boss and is expected to make a full recovery in time for Monday's Franklin fiasco. Also, I Simzaked over second base and bruised my ego.

Aesop's Moral Victory of the Game: Our bats woke up. Only took a year.

When your bank says no, Champion says yes Champion of the Game: That's a tough call. Chooch Pugh (say that out loud, it's funny) was a hitting machine, as were Kevin and Joe. BPH made some great grabs in the outfield without the support of any other Husseys. First Lobster had a stellar game. Speak-N-Spellman didn't break any bones. But I'm going to have to say Beth Van ACE for an all around good performance at the plate and on the mound.

Quotes:

"Can you keep the harlot jokes to a minimum?" - Your guess is as good as mine
"I make no promises." - El Presidente

"I harass Matt Riffe every day." - Mark
"It's only sexual harassment if they don't like it." - Jenna

"Sweet! Anything but softball!" - Jill

"Today is the day we let Beth try as many new positions as possible!" - Our Exuberant Leader

"Patience that!" - Pope Spellman, swinging on the first pitch

"Check out my awesome hat." - Pope Francis I

"Don't catch the ball." - BK, to our catcher. Actually good advice in our league, but still funny.

"WWAAAHHHH!" - Josh, after learning the two-strike rule

"Man, fuck hills." - BPH, chasing a foul

"This speech is long." - Hip
"It's almost as long as his emails." - Hip Hop
"I wonder if he dictates his emails." - Hip Hop Anonymous

"USA! USA!" - For those of you in the pool, this happened in the third inning

Next time on Rising Suns Softball: We play the Franklin Force to open the regular season. This game will be close, and we'll need to play as error-free as possible. So long as Buddy's beard isn't playing shortstop while Buddy drinks under the bench, I predict a 14-11 win for the Rising Suns.

Off-Season Report and the C.O.C.

The 2013 CCSL season is rapidly approaching, as evidenced by 19 lunatics playing a softball game in January. With that in mind, it is time for the highly-anticipated Off-Season Report. The report will cover as much of the trades, acquisitions, and draft news as possible while touching on a few rumors as well.

Trades/Draft/Acquisitions

• A Hussey has began working for the PMA, but sources close to the situation assure us she will not play for the Farties.
• The President of the Happy Fun Times Committee has gone on several recruiting missions and hopes to bring in at least three new talents to the team.
• According to El Capitain, there are a few who have left the team, but I have already forgotten who.
• Somehow Da Ali V Show is convinced she recruited Ryan Howard for the team.
• Harry Pothead has been in talks with Neville Longbottom, but everyone would rather get Hermione on the team.
• Asscap PW was an off-season loan to the Force but has since returned to the Rising Suns.
• The GM's office has remained silent on who they're looking at in the draft.

The Rumor Mill

• Someone in a decision-making position is considering getting helmets instead of jerseys this year.
• Despite leaving the NCC, Speak-N-Spellman, B-Straz, and both Husseys are expected to return to the team in 2013.
• Despite the aforementioned departures, it looks as though the Old City Rising Suns will become the NCC Rising Suns in a cash deal.
• Three medical professionals, including one college softball player, are considering offers to join the team this year.
• Some harlot is aiming to downplay snark activity over the course of the season.
• Kidnappable Allie is looking to become first lady of the Rising Suns.
• First Lady is not an officially recognized title by the CCSL, Rising Suns, or Happy Fun Times Committe.
• First Lobster is recognized, but that shit's already taken.
• Additional games with acronyms that would make a 13-year-old boy giggle will be added to the schedule (see below).

If there's grass on the field...

The C.O.C.

With a forecast of 63 degrees and sun on the horizon, the Suns and the Force came together to play the Cold Out Classic (COC). Though the weather turned out to be gray, wet, foggy, and in the low 50s, members of both teams claimed to have thoroughly enjoyed the COC. Representatives from the Catahoula Refugees missed the event. Sources say that Memorial Nick refused to enjoy the COC without Twitmarsh, who was looking for a new cave to dwell in. Nevertheless, nearly twenty people were on hand to play the COC, and many of them had great things to say:

"The COC was very pleasing, but my hands still sting a little." - Chuckles Anderson, Esq.

"This was the most successful first COC in history." - Mickey "Not the Captain" Maley

"I would have loved more time with the COC." - Wiggles

"Even after some people were done with the COC, I kept going." - Buddy's Beard

"I do what my beard tells me to do, especially when it pertains to the COC." - Buddy

"I was the last one to come, but I'm glad I made it to the COC with all of my friends." - Maureen

"The COC was fun, but boy will I feel this tomorrow." - Shitshow

"I used three forms of transportation just to get to the COC." - A Hussey

"I left the COC, then I went and got a friend to come back to the COC. It was so worth it." - BK

"I came to the COC and scored early." - A Harlot

"I have been eagerly anticipating the COC, and it was tons of fun." - First Lobster

"We brought our dog to the COC, and she cried the whole time. But we had fun." - Bobby & Megan

"I opted for wood at the COC, and I think it was very beneficial in the end." - Chippy

"I got a shiny new car just to impress the COC." - Chris, no longer a murderer

"I was proud to have named the COC." - Asscap PW

Previews of Coming Attractions:

• The BOOB (Buddy's Old-school Outdoor Bash) - Mid July: Join us on the fields to celebrate Buddy's birthday with the BOOB!
• ASS (All-Star Softball) - August: I have taken the liberty of renaming the All-Star Game.
• The TIT (Team Invitational Tournament) - March: Teams buy in to this tournament, with portions of the proceeds going to things like Hoagiefest or charity. We'll figure it out.
• The SLUT (Softball League Underachievers Tournament) - Late July: The playoffs for those who don't make the playoffs. Kind of like in Fantasy Football.
• The SHITS (Slow-pitch Hitting Instructional Tuesday Seminar) - A Tuesday in March: Someone should show our team how to hit better. Just saying.

(Real) Quotes:

"Make sure to mention I got you out!" - Ali V

"I will, and I will respectfully not mention me getting you out twice." - Whoops

"I hate all of the rules." - A Hussey

"When in doubt, I get violent." - Shitshow

"There are a lot more girls here for the C.O.C. than there were for the F.A.G." - Observational Mickey

"Be sure to mention my hit and run." - A Harlot with a guilty conscience

"Once again, I am way too cool for softball." - Some Scientist

"Want to call it a tie?" "Yeah, let's call it a tie." - Two gentlemen who cannot count