Win One For The Tripper

It's game day! Our season may be over, but the newly-christened Power Bottom World Series continues. Currently, the Franklin Force is ahead two games to one. If you set the wayback machine to the preseason, you may remember the Forceful ones beating us in our first game as a team. We would come back a week later and beat them courtesy of a home run from John Pugh in the last inning. Then, we lost to them when it counted, 24-11.

But things have changed, ladies and gents. We beat the Fleischer 11-6, and I know we can beat the Franklin tonight! Unfortunately, I will be out of town (hence the title). I fully expect to play them once more upon my return. With that in mind, here are the keys to winning this game:

• Heckle the shit out of Buddy
• Avoid giant hot dogs
• Drink a lot
• Score more runs than they do

Good luck!

Bats

The newly-formed Happy Fun Times Committee has been busy since our season (officially) ended last week. With no more softball, the Social Chair is hard at work finding new places to induce intoxication while still including the use of bats. Surprisingly, there are several great options.

Everyone's a critic

One day removed from the beginning of our undefeated streak, the HFTC gathered at a local watering hole for TGIF Quizzo. We were split into two teams. One of the teams won, or something. The other team had the best name and the most fun. So there. What did this have to do with bats? Um, Corey totally liked baseball.

He even likes the right team

From there, everyone's favorite Social Chair was forced (pun) to fraternize with an enemy of the Franklin variety. I joined Mousekowitz and a couple of French whores for a viewing of The Dark Knight Rises at the Neshaminy Mall. It's the only mall I know of with dioramas. Mall exhibits aside, this leads to a new feature called the Official Social Chair Film Review. So here it is. Official Social Chair Film Review of The Dark Knight Rises: It was good.

This is a thing

Inter-CCSL fraternization continued with an impromptu practice on Tuesday at Dairy 2. I took a grounder from either Chippy or Chuckles right smack in the shin, which left a nice little bump. Later, Chuckles threw his version of a fastball at my neck. Finally, Maureen (no stranger to lumps) kindly put a dent in the aforementioned shin lump with a well-placed throw. The lesson to be learned here is that the Franklin Force is trying to kill me with balls. Speaking of that team and balls, they love balls so much, they joined a Bocce league. In other news, there's a Bocce league.

Bat Nipples vs. Bat Strep Throat

After helping the Frankliners with target practice, it was time for Mega Bad Movie Night at the Academy of Natural Sciences. Sixty percent of the Happy Fun Times Committee were in attendance, thus making it a Happy Fun Time. Harry Potter was there too, showing off a whole host of animals including a snake, a gator, and a turkey vulture yet not a single snowy owl. What gives, Harry? Jill the Scientist was dressed as a centerfold from Better Homes & Gardens while being a fantastic hostess. Da Ali V Show competed valiantly for free stuff and movie naming, but apparently her winning ways only lasted two days. Speak-N-Spellman was nowhere to be found, though there were reports of a one-legged man floating down the Parkway at the height of the storm.

Scientists in their natural habitat

Quotes:

"Hey, I just met you and you're a weenie, but here's my number, so call me Feeny." - The Quizzo guy announcing our name

"My couch pulls out, I don't." - Boots suggesting an alternate team name

"I'm still mad about the OJ chase interrupting TGIF." - Social Chair, at TGIF Quizzo

"George Clooney was by far the best Batman ever" - A poor, misguided Ali V

 "My garden needs tending." - Poison Ivy

"What's the opposite of the World Series?" - Injurygraham, wondering what to call the "playoffs" between the Freedom and the Force
"The Power Bottom Series." - La Flama Blanca, coming through with the right answer

"When a crime breaks out, all the cute girls shout, 'Get the good-looking guy.' When there's a crime out there, he's going to comb his hair, cause he's the good-looking guy." - Eric "Plays With Squirrels" Matthews

"And I was just about to tell her that I'm convincing my board to hire her." - Social Chair about Jill the Scientist's pal Lansie, who had just stolen my shoe

A Case for the Cup

Below is a list of reasons we should be everyone's favorite team:

We're plucky

• We're fun
• Our heckling is mostly good-natured
• We suffered broken feet, dislocated shoulders, and a variety of nasty cuts and bruises. And that's just at first base.
•  Bruce Springsteen would pick us
• We're all about moral victories
• There are two Husseys on our team
• Jill the Scientist keeps referring to us as the Ms. Congeniality of the CCSL
• The word "plucky" has been used to describe us
• Other teams want our players on their teams
• The Commissioner's Cup would make us feel better about never getting jerseys
• We played the National Anthem before our last few games
• A vote for us is a vote for Freedom
• We're the only team with walk-on music
• We also selected a walk on song for Buddy; it was "Whip My Hair"
• Everyone loves pickles
• We have lots of fun facts
• Fun Fact: We love beer
• Ask about our fire hats
• We'll invite you to the team party
• We have a Happy Fun Times Committee. Guess what they specialize in.
• Some of us are really good at TGIF Quizzo
• Others are better at Christmas Quizzo
• Fun Fact: Both TGIF and Christmas are awesome
• We do the Mighty Ducks slow clap and quack before games
• The following bear would vote for us:
 


So remember, vote for us for Miss Congeniality The Commissioner's Cup

A Victory For Freedom

That's right, our games start with the National Anthem

Do you believe in miracles? After a twelve game losing streak, the Old City Freedom/Rising Suns/whatever came out swinging in a big win over the Fleischer Art Memorial. Our fielding was on point, our bats were awake, we had a BK-professed best lineup of the season, and a good time was had by all.

This win was truly a team effort. BK dropped himself and an All Star first basemen from the field to make room for all of the talent that came together on Tuesday, and it was the right call. Kudos, sir. The outfield let very few balls get past them and the infield kept it chatty and made smart throws to get critical outs. At the plate, the guys and gals in red stepped up their game to contribute to our 11 runs. Not all of our runners scored, but we did get a lot on base in the game. Overall, we improved in every aspect of the game, from fielding to hitting to snarking.

Aaron's Grand Slam

I'm not sure if BK gave the game ball to our MVP last night, but I would have to say that there are at least three people deserving of such a title. One is obviously Aaron "Detective Olivia" Benson for his game-sealing grand slam in the top of the seventh. Kevin also racked up several RBIs over a pair of triples early in the game. BPH pitched a stellar game, getting at least one K in the book that I saw. Well done, gents.

 The efforts of the newly-christened Happy Fun Times Committee must also be recognized. Ali and Jill brought their love for "Call Me Maybe" to the rest of the team, Amy added that bad ass edge to the committee, and Tiffany snapped some great photos AND renamed the committee. Well done, ladies.

Amy the Bad Ass at second

Now, friends of Freedom, onto the post-season. There is a lot of talk about playing more games. What's definite is the All-Star game, going down on Tuesday, August 7th. Sometime between now and then, we will play a game or two the the Franklin Force into which we will carry the momentum of a win and they will drag the weight of not scoring in their last game. We may also fool around on the side with the Flesicher and the Bad Touch if they play their cards right. Yes, my friends, there is more softball to be played. Also, let me know if you're interested in playing in another league this fall.

Hussey on the mound

Score: 11-6, WE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Injury Report: No one got hurt. Not even feelings.

This is how you play catcher

Moral Victory of the Game: We fucking won.

Things To Look Forward To:

Boots, contributing

• The All Star Game
• A series of Fan Appreciation Games
• Spellman's Season Wrap-Up
• Team Party at the Residence of the Social Chair
• Prohibition-themed programming from the NCC and Elfreth's Alley
• Mega Bad and Mega Rad nights at the Academy
• Fall softball
• Calling me (maybe)
• Fall leagues

Quotes:

"For realsies, this is our best lineup of the season." - BK, on target
"And there's this week's woefully optimistic quote." - PW, off target

"I forgot to bring my time-out tent." - Scrappy Doo

"We should take another team photo, we only had 12 people last time." - Me
"I know, I wasn't there that time." - Speak-N-Spellman
"Yeah, now you can take the picture!" - Me

"We're winning 7-6." - Captain Krisch, upon being asked the score
"Sshhh! You'll scare it away!" - Totally not superstitious Jenna

Spectator

"Somebody actually threw the ball to Charlotte!" - A surprised Scientist

"It's decided, let's never lose again." - BK

"Guys, my goal tonight is just to get to first base." - Ali
"Do you mean in softball or…" - Pat
"Interpret how you will, a girl has needs." - Ali
"Luckily for you there's two Husseys on this team." - Pat
"It’s just too easy" - Amy the Bad Ass as she shakes her head
"Why? Because you’re a Hussey?" - Jill

"Come back to my team damnit!" - Some bald guy

"I don't want to be distracting." - A very humble Scientist

"Sorry about Wednesday, it's Danielle's fault. She's going to see Buddy Holly." - Mo knows the day the music died
"That's not going to be a very exciting show. He's dead." - Some asshole

"BAHAHA HEE HAW HEE HAW HEE HAW" - Ventrola, laughing at Buddy's strike out at the other field

"Fucking blog." - Dejected Boots

"Dude, I'll give you $5 to streak right now. Just run around the mound, Tim won't care!" - The Tucker

A good game indeed

"You should have stayed longer." -  Social Chair to the Happy Fun Times Committee
"Sorry, I had two Husseys waiting for me in the car." - Da Ali V Show

"Somebody left their rubber on the mound." - Some asshole

"World Fucking Champions!" - Chase Utley

"I'm fairly certain that my Facebook has blown up more tonight over our ONLY softball win than it did the night the Phillies won the World Series." - Ali V

Now take us out for pizza

"I'm just going to grab me some of this ass right here." - TFI Barbie

"Hey Pat, your time finally won a game, what are you going to do next?" - On field reporter
"I'm going to Disney World!" - Yours truly

OMG WE WON

"OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO WIN! SOMEBODY GET WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS READY!" - The entire bench after two outs in the 7th

"What are you doing?" - Jill, the bird geek
"I'm going to throw this at the hawk to make it go away." - SNS
(Long evil stare and silence)
"I am not going to throw this at the hawk to make it go away." - SNS

"John Pugh is here!" - BK, trying hard not to smile and do a little jig

"Hey, I just met you and this is crazy..." - Carly Rae Jepson, currently in your head. You're welcome.

"I can't believe you've never seen my ass before." - TFI Barbie to K-Slice

"WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Everybody, at the end

I've Had The Time Of My Life

I have to admit, I was nervous that this game was not going to be as fun as I was expecting. Luckily I was wrong and Jill & Ali V (The Entertainment Committee) chose the perfect walk on music for me. And for everyone else for that matter. Well done, ladies. Hmm, maybe I'll cook them a better dinner than the one Danielle and Maureen are getting.

We went back to giving up a buttload of runs in the first couple of innings and were down by somewhere in the neighborhood of 21-3 after two. In the next five innings, we stepped up our defense and outscored the Force 8-3, but it was too little, too late. Nevertheless, we played well. The outfield kept it contained pretty well in those last 5 innings, and Brian S. turned an unassisted double play while at short. Aaron's cannon-like throws from the outfield caught the attention of a Force female. Our bats woke up a little, but our best offense was definitely in our best base-running of the season. Finally, I must toot my own horn just a little for turning three unassisted double plays at first. Also, I apologize for spiking the ball after the second one, thus allowing a run to score. I also apologize for the amount of times I will bring this little "triple double" up.

On the horizon lies one more regular season game against the Fleischer. I would love for us to take the momentum of those last five innings into next week's game and get that oh-so-elusive win. Beyond that, there is a post-season, folks! We are now down 2-1 in our series against the Franklin, and we would like to make it a best of five while other teams are in the playoffs. There is also the All-Star Game (we get to send three players), the Fan Appreciation Game (an excuse to be excessively ridiculous), and perhaps a game in which we join Forces (pun) with the Franklin to take on the Catahoula Refugees (get your DD ready for this one). Captain Buddy from the Force is also considering getting a team together for a fall league if any of you are interested in playing.

Score: 24-11 Force. We are now the only winless team.

Moral Victory: A good time was had by all. Or at least most. The Old City Freedom Fighters finally hung out after the game! There was drinks and cake at the field, and even more drinks at Cherry Street. Let's do this more often.

Injury Report: There were reports of Tucker feeling woozy, uncomfortable, and out of sorts but then he did dizzy bat and was fine. Mousekowitz added an extra ball to BK's collection but our brave Captain walked it off. Ryan Whitmarsh's feelings were hurt when he didn't get any texts about the game, he should be back in time for the playoffs. Buddy and I also were on the receiving end of cooler baths from our respective teams. Thanks for that, guys and gals.

Quotes:

"Are you Pickles?" - Maureen trying to introduce herself to an unamused BK

"It's the game of the weak." - My Dad, upon hearing about the epic clash between to winless teams

"Yay, you're back!" - Ali V
"The bench isn't the same without you!" - Everyone's Favorite Scientist

"I feel like our teams have the same dad but different moms." - Some whacko

"Is it still cool to keep your shoes untied?" - Tucker V. Tuckerson
"Yeah, have you seen the music videos?" - Chris

"I've had the time of my life." - Bill Medley, Jennifer Warnes, and yours truly

"That's going to give me nightmares." - Maureen, about Buddy's Metallica cackle
"A lot of people from softball give me nightmares." - Maureen, moments later

"I always sound so woefully optimistic in the blog quotes." - BK
"We could win this, we just need 11 runs." - BK, later

"CHOOOOOOOCH!" - Tucksy

"Hey, me just met you and this is crazy, but you have cookie, so share it maybe?" - Cookie Monster

"Dude! Recycling! Something about a can of beans!" - BPHuss

"Five, no, six, no, seven, no eight..." - Birthday Muhler answering how drunk he was on a scale of 1-10

"I'll take a fish taco." - Mo knows taunts after getting me out at second

"Must...play...softball..." - Twitmarsh, suffering without a bat in hand

"Tucker, there's no outs. Don't run if it's in the air this time." - Chuckles to no one, apparently

"That was the worst hip bump ever." - Mike "Crash Test Dummy" Simzak

"What is that guy running away from?" - Mousekowitz, about Hussey
"Probably a lightning bug." - Asscap PW

"Hey everyone! Charlotte's afraid of giant weiners!" - Me, loudly

"You want to join our team for a fall league?" - Buddy, contributing to my descent into softball madness

"Can I join your other softball team?" - Me to The Jillster,

"Did we just become best friends?" - HP, bonding with an Asscap over a burrito

"Dude! Quit the pickle!" - Tuckles working the trade block

"Your soccer team still sucks." - El Jefe, after bowing at my feet

"Who's better, me or Ventrola? Thoughts?" - Injurygraham's Benson impersonation

"We just awkwardly touched." - Mo knows pick up lines

"The unassisted record for double plays in one game stands at 2 for both Leagues. The players are Mike Edwards playing with Oakland (AL) on August 10, 1978. The NL unassisted record is shared by Dave Force playing in Buffalo on September 15, 1881 and Claude Ritchey playing in Louisville on July 9, 1899." - baseball-almanac.com

Silent But Deadly

Well, that was our worst performance of the year. Of course, I missed the spanking we received from the Fleischer. Maybe we just don't perform well against artsy people. Our line up looked good on paper, but then we got scissored by the Farties, and scissors beats paper, so that was that.

Remnants of what the Farties did to us.

I'm kind of half-assing this recap, but here's how it went down. Barb pitched 3 or 4 hitless innings,  including the one where I thought I hit it just over her head and I was dead wrong. Somehow, our improvement in the field from two weeks ago all but disappeared, most evident on one play where the ball bounced off of the feet of three of us. Pugh made us look good for a couple of minutes when he drilled a triple and recorded one of the two RBIs we had in the game. Newcomers Jack and Bridget contributed with a decent hit from Jack and Bridget getting a K on the mound. Da Ali V Show pitched a pretty stellar 1-2-3 inning. Other than that, it was pretty sloppy.

Looking ahead, we have the Franklin Force tomorrow. They are the other winless team and we should put up a fight. MMN claims that they are fielding 10 with no subs, but I find that hard to believe. After all, no subs is why the team split. Come to think of it, no subs is why Hoagiefest wasn't as fun last year. No matter, let's show up to play.

Score: Freedom Haters 20 - Freedom 2

Moral Victory of the Game: Um, no one got hurt?

Quotes:

"This is our best lineup to date." - BK, right before 3 or 4 hitless innings

"How come I've only made the blog once?" - Brian S
"Somebody reads the blog?" - Social Chair

"OMG I LUV UR BLOG!" - BK, to Whiskey Frank

"If this was pinball, we'd have a lot of points right now." - Bootsy, after aforementioned errors

"And do what with them?" - Smith
"Put them in your mouth." - A Hussey

"We hit where they were." - Da Ali V Show
"They hit where they weren't." - Bridge with a T
"Also, we sucked." - Me

"Look everyone, I'm here!" - MMN

"I'm going to teach my kindergartners about jugs." - Some Harlot

"It's hard being the only Hussey." - Amy the Bad Ass

"Good eye!" - Me, after a ball in the dirt
"Fuck you!" - Kidnappable Allie, not taking compliments right now

"So, basically a vibrator caused the headboard to bang and you..." - Speak-N-Spellman
"I started screaming." - Scrappy Doo

"I get useless after awhile." - Somebody

"Hey Mike, want to be cool like me and skip the game?" - Jill the Scientist
"Yeah!" - Harry Potter

Smells Like Team Spirit

We have two games this week, one against the Farties and one against the Franklin Force. Let's win them both. Here are some reasons why we should beat the Force on Tuesday:

• What better way to celebrate their captain's birthday than by handing him a defeat?
• They made a point of reminding me that we are now the only team without jerseys in the league.
• They will out drink us, so we need to out score them.
• The members of our team from the Academy are out for blood in this one.
• Kerry Sautner will be proud.
• We should try winning, just a little bit, just to see how it feels.

Stupid Rainbows

Let's take a look at the facts: In the past two days we have scored 27 runs, had two 1-2-3 innings defensively, batted through the order in two innings, racked up hits for nearly every member of the team, and made some great defensive plays. Those are the good facts, and the ones I choose to focus on. In the past two days we gave up 53 runs? Who cares? That shit isn't important.

Things started off well today, with the Blogfather coaching Scrappy Doo and yours truly to some better hitting (which I chose not to replicate come game time). We gave up five in the first, and our bats didn't wake up until a few innings later. Or maybe it was one inning later. These were pretty long innings. When the bats finally did wake up, we replicated yesterday's feat of batting through the order, which is fun. Fun Fact: When Ben takes a single instead of a double, we hit around. True story.

This is roughly how the 7th inning looked

As the game wore on, it got out of reach to the point that P&P fielded a small dog. While the dog didn't get a chance to bat, it showed tremendous determination to get the ball while in the field. Leroy Brown, a much bigger dog, salivated. Finally, in the bottom of the seventh, as I got to first on a terrible hit, BK mentioned that if I scored, that would give us a season-high 14 runs. So naturally we had two outs staring us down by the time I got to third. One crack of the bat later, everyone got see what it looks like when a bigass white dude does a cannonball on solid ground. Style points aside, it was effective (and I still have never technically slid in this league).

Score: 30-14, Implements of Inscription

Moral Victory: Putting up a season-high 14 runs and having our second inning of batting through the entire order.

Injury Report: All three Brians ended up on the ground at some point. Harry Potter turned some interesting colors after yesterday's ball bombardment. I learned a valuable lesson about gravity, mass, and surface area.

Quotes:

"Double Rainbows!" - Several team members, who will never repeat that cheer again*

"I need a belly rub." - BPH, who was rolling around in the grass
"Aw, I love it when Hussey's playful!" - Harry the P

"Wait, you're taking a guy named Lewis canoeing? Are you gonna go across the whole country?" - Speak-N-Spellman AKA Boots AKA Bootsy AKA Governer Morris

"If we can win tonight, we clinch a playoff berth." - The Blogfather, who at that point was up by at least 12
"PLAYOFFS?!?!" - Buddy Muhler, somewhere far, far away

"Too Cool For Softball." - Slogan from the t-shirt Jill wore tonight

"I can barely hold two because they're so big, I couldn't handle three." - Ali V, about balls

"Limpin' ain't easy." - Spellman

"Shrimpin' ain't easy." - Forrest Gump

"Blimpin' ain't easy." - Captain of the Hindenburg

"Did you say fancy d-bags?" - Me, badly mishearing a Harlot


*Unless in the event of an actual double rainbow

Double Rainbow

After a two-week absence, everyone's favorite underdog blog is back. Last week we apparently lost bad to the team that was essentially last year's version of us. I wasn't at the game but this is what I gather happened: Despite BK having it his way with a home run we never had a chance, but the Fleischer played the entire game like they were down by ten (they weren't). If we show the same spark we showed today the next time we play the Art Memorial, things will be different. Moving on.

Today's game was interesting. After giving up five runs in the top of the first, it looked like we were on par for some same old same old. But then a funny thing happened: someone asked Jenna to go get some beer, and she said "What's the point? It'll be too late by the time I get back." I responded by assuring her that we would bat through the order in the bottom of the first. And we did. At the end of the first, we had a 6-5 lead, our first come from behind lead.

Place holder image until I upload the team photo. 

Now I don't have the book on me, but I'm fairly certain that everyone who touched a bat today got on base. Runs were scored thanks to good hitting and smart base running. In the field, we kept the errors to a minimum and only gave up 3 or 4 unearned runs. Some Hussey took the mound and we had a 3 up 3 down inning. We improved all around, which bodes well for future outings.

Up next we have the Pen & Pencil Club, who we scored 11 runs on the last time we played them. If we carry our momentum from tonight's feel good game of the year into tomorrow we should have another competitive game to look forward to.

Score: 22-13, bringing us to 0-9 on the season.

Moral Victory: We played well all around. The bats were alive, fielding was much better. Plus, a double rainbow happened.

Injury Report: Harry Potter was viciously assaulted by Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle tonight. Malfoy would be Mr. Potter's fancy footwork rounding first, magically turning a double into a bloody single. Potter followed that up with balls to the shin and foot. Not a good day to be a wizard.

Quotes:


"Is there a way to make fun of Spellman's foot?" - Some asshole
"That was mean, I shouldn't have said that." - Same asshole

"You hugged a wizard." - A scientist, scientifically observing the male bonding experience

"I'm fisting you from back here." - Kat. No context.

"No one's said anything, keep playing with it." - Kidnapable Allie, presumably to Kat the Fister.

"Just so you know, we're on a winning streak. Some of us won at flip cup last night." Me, savoring victory anyway I can get it

"Guys, it's cool. I have a broomstick in my trunk." - Harry Potter

"I'm too antisocial to go to two softball games in a row." - Da Ali V Show
"This is why we're friends." - Jill

"That bird's a liar!" - Brian Fellows

"That is a pencil, right?" - Bald scientist to another scientist who had never before been exposed to technological advances in removing graphite from paper

"AAAHHHH! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!!" -  Hussey, diving for cover after being approached by a threatening lightning bug

"I haven't had this many balls hit me since yesterday!" - Everyone's favorite wizard

Double Rainbow Tribute:

Scouting Report

In preparation for today's game, here's a look at who we are facing:

Despite their ability to drink and dance and the fact that they have two hockey goons and one teen wolf on the team, we should make it competitive. See you at Edgeley 8!

Show Me On The Doll...

Today we braved the Belmont fields for the last time for a showdown with the Bad Touch. It wasn't pretty, folks. Apparently we need to brush up on our Sing-Along Songs because we had issues following the bouncing balls. Errors in the field gave the Touchers way more hits and runs than they should have had. Then, in the 5th inning, we woke up. Ben, Aaron, New Nick, and Max were our best outfield combo yet, and the infield stepped their game up with good teamwork between Pugh and Scrappy Doo at Short and 2nd and stellar play from player of the game BVDubs. BK moved from outfield to first and played much better. In the fifth and sixth innings we only gave up one hit. Unfortunately, I had my first out of the game as the second out of a 1-2-3 7th inning. Aboo. Aside from a few strikeouts and my dismal 7th inning showing, our bats were better today, particulary in the aforementioned 5th and 6th innings, and I think we will carry that into tomorrow's game.

With smart fielding and selective hitting (B-E SELECTIVE!), tomorrow is a winnable game. Let's play to win.

Message From the Social Chair: I recently jokingly referred to myself as the team social chair. Apparently some people took it seriously. So here's two things to keep in mind: If you haven't brought beer yet, please do so soon or contribute money to our drinking habits. We love enablers. Also, representatives from both teams will converge on Brown Street Pub (24th and Brown in Fairmount) after tomorrow's game. Hope to see you there.

Aesop's Fables Moral Victory of the Game: Charlotte learned how to keep the book. Also, we have a ton of extra beer for tomorrow.

Humpty Dumpty Injury Report: First base, now known as Cursed Base, claimed its third victim tonight as Speak-N-Spellman injured his foot midway through the top of the first. Speaks thinks it could be serious enough to end his season, which sucks. Also sucking was the fact that Harry Potter wasn't on hand to perform a healing spell. -10 from Gryffindor.

Score: 22-5

Quotes:

"Bob Spellman at first base." - BK
"That's as far as I've ever gotten." - Speak-N-Spellman

"They're here for Bob." - BVDubs, as a helicopter hovered

"Be my wingman Allie, I want to score!" - Some guy who never made it past first base. Aboo.

"All I get is a pity invite?" - MMN

Instances in which "That What She Said" was appropriate:

"It looked good but just a little too long for me." - BK
"Almost there, just an inch too short." - Asscap PW
"Oh, so close!" - Sarah
"I'm going to hit that." - Bad Touch Greg
"He's not deep enough." - MMN

Two Heads Are Better Than One

This week is the lazy, beer-drinking version of a double-header. We start off tonight with a game against the Bad Touch in which we are for some reason favored. Then, tomorrow, the Franklin Buddies try to Force themselves on us. In both instances, we need to remind these forceful, bad-touching teams that no means no and we need wins. This week is the time when we either start on the path to my predicted 3-10 finish or we continue down the trail of uninterrupted imperfection. Regardless, I will not be answering Whitmarsh's texts. Now onto the predictions.

Double header

Bad Touch: The Touchers haven't been having a great season, the lone exception being an early-season butt-raping of Ben Franklin's Buddies. Last week, they lost to the Fleischer by 18 runs. With some smart, consistent playing we should either win or make it a close one. If we continue to interpret "outfield" as "six feet behind infield," we will lose horribly.

12-10 is the score, not sure who has what

Force: They will all hold hands and yell "Force!" I will skip a board meeting to go to this game. The word "pickle" will be thrown around a lot. If miracles exist, the game will start before 6:30. Ryan & Nick will try to end their game as quickly as possible to come watch us and long for the days when (they thought) we liked them. There will be heckling. And in the end, someone will no longer be winless. It's the game of the week, folks.

This game will either end with a low score and handshakes or the highest-scoring CCSL game in history and a brawl. I'm hoping for the latter, seems more exciting.

Worst Safari Ever

Monday saw the Old City Freedom Fighters tangle with the Zoo, um, Animals and the result was...(drumroll please)...we got spanked. By the Zoo. The same team that eeked out an 8-6 win over the other 0 and whatever team in the league. How did this happen? Let's examine the parts of the game I remember.

BVDubs was stellar on the mound, as was Harry Potter, so that's not the issue. The field conditions were sloppier than a Ventrola on a Friday night, which didn't help, but our fielding wasn't the biggest issue. The bats just never woke up. The Male Hussey went all bezerker on the yellow sphere with a triple, which was kind of our highlight. Another highlight was Female Hussey (AKA Amy the Bad Ass) being bad ass on second, but more on that later. That being said, I guess our fielding could have been better. I mean, we gave up 20 runs to the friggin' Zoo. BK Haveityourway (but not really your way) pointed out that we played the Zoo too shallow, which has been my comment on every game thus far. I think this game was particularly shallow because of being backed up against another game and because it was only into us for our looks.

On a more fun note, Scrappy Doo and an Asscap made it to Hoagiefest as the lone representatives for the OCFF tonight. I learned how to keep the book (sort of) and someone called Scrappy a Harlot, so it was pretty good. There were also enough hoagies for everyone, and at least three other teams were happy to see us there. As the newly appointed Old City Social Chair, stay tuned here for more events in which we can interact with other teams without getting spanked.

Next week we have two games, and we will go to the Magic 8-Ball for predictions.

Will we beat the Bad Touch?

• Magic 8 Ball says "Outlook not so good."

Will we beat the Force?

• Magic 8 Ball says "Yes."

If we get our shit together, I think the Magic 8 Ball is on to something. Now on to the fun stuff.

Perdue Fowl of the Game: Mega Bad Mark for his 76 foul balls

Ringling Brothers Clown of the Game: Simzak, for a never ending stream of animal puns

Red Cross Injury Report: 4Loko Barbie fell several times at Hoagiefest but that's nothing new. Injurygraham continues to defy the Vegas odds by remaining healthy. Derm can barely stand and Ryan is old too. El Jefe made it through an entire game with zero injuries, but will owe me two beers on the 16th. Da Ali V Show suffered from severe frostbite while Speak-N-Spellman complained about how warm his jacket was.

Score: Bad guys win 20-4.

Quotes:

"The Hogwarts Express is leaving." - Harry Potter. FUN FACT: Platform 9 3/4 is at the 19th Street entrance of the Academy.

"I'm like the Jar Jar Binks of the team." - Speak-N-Spellman

"I'm going to be boring and not witty, like Jar Jar." - Jillster

"That's Poppycock!" - Buddy, looking down

"I've seen a lot of Husseys go to second base, but never like that before." - Me, after Amy the Bad Ass was bad ass
"BAHAHAHA!" - Sarah, about twenty minutes later

"All those liquid nitrogen shows are paying off." - Jason, after Buddy made a nice grab in right

"I'm pretty, but I never said I was classy." - A very humble Scientist with a Dragon Tattoo

"That's what she said." - About a dozen different people, in reference to too many things

"I wish I could hug Pam everyday." - MMN

"If you don't want beer, I'm drinking a Malibu Bay Breeze." - Whitmarsh

"We're going to win this game." - BK, several times before Monday

"Fuck you!" - Adam's dad to a ball

"Damn, this jacket is so damned toasty!" - SNS to Ali V

"Hey guys, how's the meeting going?" - Megashark
"OMG! WHAT MEETING?!" - Professor Snape's least favorite pupil

"Why don't you look at me when we make love?" - MMN to several people
"Mostly has to do with gag reflex." - General consensus

"But wait, who do I hit on?" - Ryan around Moira, Maureen, and Phyllis

The Blogfather's thoughts on Va-Va-Va-Mickey
"He's a decent hitter."
"He's a very decent hitter."
"He's a very, very decent hitter."
"He's a very, very, very decent hitter."

Great Expectations

I would like to begin this blog post by mentioning how cool Speak-N-Spellman is.

With that said, today was fun. A pleasant mixture of us, the Fugees, and the Franklin Forks had a blast breaking in Edgely 7. The "game" started with Buddy stacking the deck in his favor by choosing teams, but in blew up in his face when we scored 40 in the first inning (according to official scorekeeper Blackjack Andy). But who cares about a fake game? Let's get down to the important stuff. Here's a half-assed recap of shit that happened:

• Ryan shamelessly hit on Maureen.
• MMN shamelessly hit on several women, Buddy, two trees, a flip-flop, and on the way home, a police officer of questionable gender.
• Mike showed up, tattooed the ball and made stellar plays in the field.
• Then Mike and Chuckles B. Favre had a two car pileup at 2nd.
• Conspicuous by his absence was the Commish, who was off on his latest Edventure.
• Inconspicuous by their absence were the Shiffka's arms.
• Mickles threw a Frisbee at my head.
• People talked shit on Pam's dog.
• I called Chris "Chippy" for a good three innings and then felt sheepish.
• A lot of people got drunk.
• Some people didn't.
• Chris may or may not be a serial killer.
• I elbowdropped Buddy in the field.
• Then we did the Electric Slide. Nobody noticed.
• The OC ladies stepped up their field game. 
• Pineapples are better when they are purple. And soaked in alcohol. 
• BK drew a Sharktopus on the wall in my back yard.
• The Blogfather no showed after hearing there would be oranges present. Happy Ryan?

INJURY REPORT: Chuckles "Pink Tits" Favre bled onto his Wicked Witch socks. Maureen smelled Buddy AND a sweaty flip-flop. Strange. MMN drilled a Harlot with a ball, she was fine, he ended up with blue balls after a lack of follow up. Ryan threw his back out thinking about an 18-year-old intern. Buddy is expected to fully recover from the aforementioned elbow drop. Scrappy-Doo was scarred for life by a giant wiener. Meanwhile, Injurygraham has yet to be injured.

QUOTES:

"We broke Whitmarsh" - Me
"He's held together with tape, gin, and..." - BK
"Douches." - Me

"I didn't know we were playing!" - MMN
"That's what she said." - Jill. A scientist.

"Your mom!" - Some bald asshole

"I'll do whatever I want to Tina this year." - A hopeful guy in a Frankford Hall shirt

"I kept it in my mouth!" - A Harlot named Scrappy Doo

"I swear like a swailor." - Slurry Hussey

"It's so dark out and I can still see your skull." - Whitmarsh to his little Buddy

"With friends like these who needs LSD?" - Mickipedia

"I'm going to be anti-social and not talk to anyone." - The Jill

"I'm gonna score, dammit!" - Old City Asscap
"You're going to masturbate sadly in the bathroom." - Forceful Asscap

"Why don't you answer my texts?" - Former Management with separation anxiety

"I heart you." - The Fairmount Pooper
"Fantastic." - Unfortunate victim
"I can't wait to be inside you again!" - Pooper

"You said your car smelled like leftover Buddy." - Twittwer
"Yes! It did. It does. And it will again." - Dejected Maureen

"I'm too tired to make sentences that make sense." - Scrappy

"He didn't like my Pickle post. What a salty vegetable." - Some guy who writes blogs and takes his pants off in the field

"Grab this and see how warm it is." - SNS to some Hussey

"Eat something before you pass out." - Debbo
"But I'm coaching!" - Witty Asscap
"Right, because we can't live without you." - Proud new owner of a fancy phone

Happy Memorial Day

To celebrate a day in which we remember, we're going out to a field to play softball and melt. So, to get you all sufficiently hyped for today's festivities, here's some pump-up music to get the blood flowing:

Their Hearts Grew Three Times Today

Originally I planned to ignore this game and recap my most recent barbecue (it was great), but a funny thing happened on the way to a crushing defeat. The Tappers showed mercy, and even joked around with us. Eventually, base runners (walkers) were even coaching our fielders. Gosh darn it, they were just so nice. But now, onto the recap.


We took an early lead with some good hitting from Harry Potter (+5 Points to Gryffindor) and some of the Brians. Then the bottom of the first happened. Whoops.


From there, it went a little something like this: The Tappers spent what seemed like 23 innings (it was one, maybe two) drilling the ball into other fields, and at one point, Pittsburgh. We had a couple of mini-rallies (brought to you by the SPTR), one of which I killed by blowing a base running call (sorry Harry, -5 from me). We scored at least one more run, probably more, but definitely one because I scored late in the game. Essentially, after a safe 5246 point lead, SPTR began playing Tucker-style ball, and killed us a little more softly. It could've easily been a slasher-style murder, but instead they put a fluffy pillow on our face and whispered "Sssshhh" until we stopped twitching. 


In closing, I would like to thank the SPTR for their good sportsmanship (Whitmarsh is crying somewhere while Memorial Nick is hitting on an almost 18 year old) and dedicate the following song to them:

SCORE: There was a score. 


INJURY REPORT: BK didn't have it his way when a ball collided with his noggin. In a post-game interview, BK mumbled incoherently for a few minutes before proclaiming that he should have left his hat on and something about He-Man. 


MORAL VICTORY: We brought out the best of the SPTR. Then I went to a bar with a Scientist and a Wizard.


QUOTES:


"Ow." - Charlotte


"This is Buddy: Glug glug glug!" - Brett Favre
"Glug glug to you too, sir!" - Buddy


"I got picked up at the Art Museum today!"
"By who?"
"A Harlot and a Hussey."


"We all showed up in one Volkswagen." - Me, to a Tapper, after we made five errors. On one play.

Anteating hipster putdown

"Did you see that?! I got a double play!" - Speak-N-Spellman, clearly ignoring the fact that the runners stopped. 

"Check out this blog!" - Jilly from Philly
"OMG I love blogs!" - Your faithful blogger
"Pat, I am sad that you are just discovering this site. I have lost many an hour to this blog over the past 2 years." - Kidnappable Allie
"And Allie off the top turn buckle with a Flying Hipster Putdown." - Mickles


"You have some serious nips going on." Char, to Speak-n-Spellman
"Do you want some band aids?" Da Ali V Show, also to Speaks

"School is fun, but Professor Snape gives too much homework." - Harry Potter


"Who's funding this?" Giant Rooster


"You want to fuck the devil?" Confused drunk to Mr. Potter

Yes, Master

Another (scheduled) game and another rainy day. Today's forecast is about as sunny as the Tappers' disposition. Whether the game happens or not, here are a few things for you to consider.

• Running forward to the ball is easier than trying to catch it over your shoulder. Play deep.
• To a toddler, the Academy of Natural Sciences is a cross between a zoo and a pet cemetary.
• The Liberty Bell and Betsy Ross had a great PR team to get this famous.
• A hot dog and/or PBR cannon would make our games more interesting.
• Buddy, despite ascending to captainship, is still bald.
• I need more people to send me quotes/amusing anecdotes from our games.
• Brian Hussey has a different definition of love than I do.

Trade Rumor: Word on the alley is that the Gryffindor Quidditch team is looking to make cap room by trading Harry Potter to the Rising Suns for two draft picks.

Predicted (Heckilng) Score: Old City out heckle the Taps  56 to -3

Tonight's Forecast

Bishops Molest Freedom

This guy was clearly rooting against us

That's another one in the L column, folks. After a slow start, we showed a little fire in the sixth, but it was too little, too late. Mike the Scientist finally got to use Physics on the mound and did pretty well. Beth made her pitching debut and was pretty solid. We may look to sticking with 1-2 pitchers per game in the future.

Fielding was again our weak point, particularly when an Asscap missed an easy throw at first. A couple of times the outfield was caught playing a bit too shallow, despite Janet Jackson's warning from last week's blog post (no one reads this shit, I just write it to entertain myself after a loss).

On the plus side, there was food. And, on the tenth anniversary of AI's rant, some of us practiced. From the practice we gathered that Mike the Scientist may not be the first to pick up on dirty jokes, but he sure can pitch. Jill is quite stellar in outfield, as was Ali last week. The lesson here is that we can put ladies in positions other than pitcher, catcher, and second base.

SCORE: 26-8

INJURY REPORT: Early reports are coming in regarding a bunch of bruised egos. Apart from that, one of the Bishops fell over randomly at first but still got my slow ass out. Also, the team had it's ringer removed when Actual Nick couldn't make the game.

MORAL VICTORY: We scored our first no-out runs of the season, got a couple of extra base hits, and I won a bet about how many times BK would take of his hat. I bet 4, and he only dehatted twice. His betrothed guessed something like 17. Wrong.

QUOTES:

"Let's go Catherine!" - Some Hussey
"That's Charlotte!" - People who care about names

"You disappoint us when you're not drunk!" - Benchwarmers to Speak-n-Spellman
"That's what my mother always said." - Dejected Spellman

"Can someone help me catch?" - Da Ali V Show
"Sure. First, open your glove." - Some asshole

"I saw a black bear once." - Spelly
"Racist." - Asscap PW

"FUCK!!!" - BK, to a ball

"There are three Brians and two Husseys on the team." - Bench
"Oh there are definitely more than two Husseys on this team." - Peanut Gallery
"I don't get it." - A Scientist

"What the hell just happened?" - Jilly from Philly, either halfway through our game or halfway through From Dusk Till Dawn

"I'm going to drill Buddy." - Whitmarsh

Bishop Takes Pawn

Barring a miracle from the magic of Supermoon, we're not looking too great in our match-up against Bishop's Collar on Monday night. On the bright side, we opened our season against the top four teams in the league, so we weren't expected to do much of anything. Maybe with a little practice we can be more competitive. On the not-so-bright side, I'm almost out of tequila.

Prediction: Bad Guys - 18, Good Guys - 11

Implements of Inscription

Evil, freedom-hating pen

Good news! The prediction that we would score 11 runs was right! Too bad for us that the P&P crew racked up 23. Definitely not our worst performance, there were a lot of good hits from team Freedom today. Our biggest problem is mistakes on the field and not playing these teams deep enough. When we're facing P&P, the Collar (next week), the Ball Tappers, or the Refugees, just imagine them coming to the plate singing this, and then move back. They can all be contained*

Other predictions that came true: Tango the dog did indeed run to third. I drank, heckled, and broke the hitless streak. A soccer team did end up in the outfield. I learned more names! (Kat with her ownership of the plate and other Ali with her impeccable fielding while holding a beer. Let the record show I am spelling it Ali because she was floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee or something.) The grammar nerd in me is hating the amount of words in parentheses there. In addition to Ali and Kat, I learned that most everyone else on the team is Brian. That being said, let's get on to the fun stuff.

Score: 23-11.

Injury Report: Mike Simzak continues to steal Injurygraham's thunder by hobbling after a play at second, and is going to spend some time at DH. P&P Ellen used her womanly wiles to convince Speak-n-Spellman not to play the ball early in the game, resulting in a career-threatening bruise to his ego. SNS is expected to make a full recovery once he gets a sandwich named after him.

Moral Victory: Mike the Scientist used physics to throw some solid pitches and make a case to be our starter. Jill and Ali made third base and shortstop their bitches with some amazing fielding. Charlotte picked up her hitting (and rhyming) game. I had my best hits ever. Unfortunately, this all occurred while we were fucking around after the game.

Quotes:

"Do you want Candy Graham's advice for hitting?" -The yet-to-be-nicknamed Pat
"Yes!" -Charlotte
"When hitting, boobs and then bat!" -Me again

"My car smells like leftover Buddy." -Maureen of the Force

"Now all I can think about is boobs!" -Char
"Welcome to my world." - Asscap

"You should pregame the games." -Everyone, to Ali

"What rhymes with Charlotte?" -Me
"Harlot." -Charlotte
"Kat! Keep your eyes on Harlot!" -Jill

"We should practice again." -Assorted teammates, to BK Haveityourway
BK's response:

*Not including the massive egos of the tappers or 'fugees.

P.S. Email/text me funny quotes from the games, I have the memory of a Golden Girl.

Pencils Down

After two crushing defeats, one fun and one just eh, we are scheduled to make up a week 2 match-up with the Pen and Pencil Club. According to someone who has nothing better to do with their time, we are a nine run favorite in this game. We have scored seven runs this season so far, so we'll see about that. Captain BK Haveityourway thinks we can do it, I think we can as well. Either way, it should be fun and competitive.

Game Predictions:

• BK will run with hat in hand
• I will drink and heckle after snapping a two-game hitless streak
• A soccer team will again choose our outfield to play in instead of the actual soccer field
• Tango the dog will nail a bases-clearing triple in the fourth
• I will learn the names of two more people on the team
• The good guys win it, 11-7

I don't have a relevant picture, so here's this:

It's Still Early...

Apparently softball > work today. I'll make this quick. We have played two pre-season games and two regular season games, and they went a little something like this:

@ Franklin Force April 10th
Our first game as a team was against the team that spontaneously combusted into three separate teams in the off-season. It went like this: all of the people who actually work at the 'tute used the Force. The ringers pulled a reverse Lauryn Hill by splitting to join the Fugees, the actual Franklin employees made like the X-Men and turned to a bald man for leadership, and then, well, there's us. That about sums it up, oh and we lost that game. Oh well.
QUOTES: I vaguely remember a couple of vultures chasing Speak-n-Spellman, and he made a humorous remark about our season's life span.
INJURY REPORT: First Basemen #1, shoulder, probably out for the season
SCORE: We lost by more than one baseball point.
MORAL VICTORY: We only lost one person to injury

A Google image search for "Buddy Muhler" returns this as the #2 image. According to Google, this is Buddy Muhler.

vs. Franklin Force April 17th (Now with hot dogs!)
We learned from our mistakes! Or some of them, at least. There was still some half-blind guy with no depth perception in right field (they let me drive, too). Blackjack Andy of the Force brought a grill and made us food. Yay! Tucker V. Tuckerson seemed a bit Tuckered out, but still played dizzy bat for some reason. We fielded better, probably because we smelled hot dogs and wanted to get off the field. Our bats were pretty good, but we had a fair amount of errors go our way. We won this time, so that's cool.
QUOTES: Something disparaging about Memorial Nick. Use the comment section to try out your own insults.
INJURY REPORT: Two games into the preseason and Injurygraham is still functioning. Something isn't right with this picture.
SCORE: We won by a run thanks to a homer from Pew (Pew Pew). I wish my last name sounded like the noise a laser gun makes.
MORAL VICTORY: An actual victory

As if we needed to be reminded of the score.

@ Catty Refugees April 24th
While this provided a great opportunity for three straight weeks of heckling, starting against one of the best teams in the league is kind of a bummer when you're an expansion team. But then a funny thing happened on the way to a crushing loss: we held these bums to three scoreless innings and discovered that Memorial Nick struggles against Actual Nick. Then we made some changes, stopped playing deep, made some errors, and lost the game. These things happen. At least we got in some decent heckling.
QUOTES:
"Get that man a bra!" - As Derm rounded third on his home run
"He's expecting." - Memorial Nick, in response

"Whoa! It's like looking in a mirror!" - BK Haveityourway as Derm pitched to Speak-n-Spellman

"Whoa! It's like looking in a mirror!" - Buddy Muhler, at a mirror

INJURY REPORT: First Baseman #2, knee, questionable. The Artist Formerly Known as Management (henceforth TAFKAM), back & pride, day to day
SCORE: Three games in and I finally remember the score: 14-2. 
MORAL VICTORY: We beat the spread.

vs. Ball Tap Room April 30th

The Tappers

For someone who has played four seasons in this league over the past eight years, I really knew little about this team going other than that they hit deep and still have a trophy boner from last year's long-awaited championship win. It was 4-4 after the first, and I guess that didn't sit well. As we got drunker and occasionally played softball, they began doing whatever they could to avoid Actual Nick in the outfield. There were two close plays at first while we were at bat. We were safe on the first one, and that didn't sit well. We were safe on the second one by a hair, but I called it out so eyes didn't roll out of heads which made BK Haveityourway sad. Sorry, BK. Speaking of BK, let go of that hat. Just let it go. You can pick it up after the play is done.
QUOTES:
"HOLD! HOLD! HOLD!" the entire bench, as Amy the Bad Ass rounded third and slid into home for our final run

"Wilmarth? Benson? Pam? Is this a batting lineup or a list of people that Whitmarsh and Ventrola hate?"

"What the hell is wrong with that dog?" Several teammates who are new to the league

"We're almost winning!" Small child on the SPTR bench when we were down by more than 10. We got heckled by a toddler.
INJURY REPORT: A Tapper got tapped by a wayward pitch that would make Mitch Williams smile.
SCORE: 27-5
MORAL VICTORY: Tango the dog filled in at mascot and immediately out-shined other mascots such as the aforementioned special dog and that asshole Ziggy.

The Team With No Name

We either needed a blog or an actual team name to be official, so blog it is. We're a little late here, so expect a pre-season/early season recap later when I decide writing for a beer league softball blog is more important than my job. In the meantime, predictions for the season:

• We will start adding real victories to our moral ones
• Each game, at least one member of the team will sit on the bench as a pile of beer cans amasses beneath them
• By game 6, I will know the names of all (or most) of my teammates
• By game 9, I will know who the hell Ryan has been referring to in his blog
• Tango the dog will become a surprisingly stellar right-center fielder
• BK Haveityourway (FKA Pickle, Benedict Pickle, The Salty Vegetable, etc) will realize you can't throw a ball with a hat in your hand
• We may actually go to a bar after one of our games
• Fleischer Tina will put up Halladayesque numbers on the mound
• Injurygraham will not get injured
• I will jinx Injurygraham in a blog post
• We will settle on a name for the team
• First base will stop being a cursed position 
• No one will out-Tucker Tucker V. Tuckerson
• But Speak-n-Spellman will try
• I will try to give my team as many quirky nicknames as possible
• Buddy will squawk "Playoffs?!" and then cry a little when Memorial Nick isn't there to acknowledge it
• Speaking of Memorial Nick, he will cower at the thought of having to play his nemesis, Actual Nick, again next season
• Jill the Scientist will collaborate with Mike the Scientist to deduct a winning formula for our yet-to-be-named team
• Carryable Ally will travel by duffel to at least 3 games
• Halfway through the season, we will realize that we win anytime a grill is present

That's all for now. Please feel free to contribute quotes, fun facts, predictions, and/or entire posts to this blog.