Great Expectations

I would like to begin this blog post by mentioning how cool Speak-N-Spellman is.

With that said, today was fun. A pleasant mixture of us, the Fugees, and the Franklin Forks had a blast breaking in Edgely 7. The "game" started with Buddy stacking the deck in his favor by choosing teams, but in blew up in his face when we scored 40 in the first inning (according to official scorekeeper Blackjack Andy). But who cares about a fake game? Let's get down to the important stuff. Here's a half-assed recap of shit that happened:

• Ryan shamelessly hit on Maureen.
• MMN shamelessly hit on several women, Buddy, two trees, a flip-flop, and on the way home, a police officer of questionable gender.
• Mike showed up, tattooed the ball and made stellar plays in the field.
• Then Mike and Chuckles B. Favre had a two car pileup at 2nd.
• Conspicuous by his absence was the Commish, who was off on his latest Edventure.
• Inconspicuous by their absence were the Shiffka's arms.
• Mickles threw a Frisbee at my head.
• People talked shit on Pam's dog.
• I called Chris "Chippy" for a good three innings and then felt sheepish.
• A lot of people got drunk.
• Some people didn't.
• Chris may or may not be a serial killer.
• I elbowdropped Buddy in the field.
• Then we did the Electric Slide. Nobody noticed.
• The OC ladies stepped up their field game. 
• Pineapples are better when they are purple. And soaked in alcohol. 
• BK drew a Sharktopus on the wall in my back yard.
• The Blogfather no showed after hearing there would be oranges present. Happy Ryan?

INJURY REPORT: Chuckles "Pink Tits" Favre bled onto his Wicked Witch socks. Maureen smelled Buddy AND a sweaty flip-flop. Strange. MMN drilled a Harlot with a ball, she was fine, he ended up with blue balls after a lack of follow up. Ryan threw his back out thinking about an 18-year-old intern. Buddy is expected to fully recover from the aforementioned elbow drop. Scrappy-Doo was scarred for life by a giant wiener. Meanwhile, Injurygraham has yet to be injured.

QUOTES:

"We broke Whitmarsh" - Me
"He's held together with tape, gin, and..." - BK
"Douches." - Me

"I didn't know we were playing!" - MMN
"That's what she said." - Jill. A scientist.

"Your mom!" - Some bald asshole

"I'll do whatever I want to Tina this year." - A hopeful guy in a Frankford Hall shirt

"I kept it in my mouth!" - A Harlot named Scrappy Doo

"I swear like a swailor." - Slurry Hussey

"It's so dark out and I can still see your skull." - Whitmarsh to his little Buddy

"With friends like these who needs LSD?" - Mickipedia

"I'm going to be anti-social and not talk to anyone." - The Jill

"I'm gonna score, dammit!" - Old City Asscap
"You're going to masturbate sadly in the bathroom." - Forceful Asscap

"Why don't you answer my texts?" - Former Management with separation anxiety

"I heart you." - The Fairmount Pooper
"Fantastic." - Unfortunate victim
"I can't wait to be inside you again!" - Pooper

"You said your car smelled like leftover Buddy." - Twittwer
"Yes! It did. It does. And it will again." - Dejected Maureen

"I'm too tired to make sentences that make sense." - Scrappy

"He didn't like my Pickle post. What a salty vegetable." - Some guy who writes blogs and takes his pants off in the field

"Grab this and see how warm it is." - SNS to some Hussey

"Eat something before you pass out." - Debbo
"But I'm coaching!" - Witty Asscap
"Right, because we can't live without you." - Proud new owner of a fancy phone

Happy Memorial Day

To celebrate a day in which we remember, we're going out to a field to play softball and melt. So, to get you all sufficiently hyped for today's festivities, here's some pump-up music to get the blood flowing:

Their Hearts Grew Three Times Today

Originally I planned to ignore this game and recap my most recent barbecue (it was great), but a funny thing happened on the way to a crushing defeat. The Tappers showed mercy, and even joked around with us. Eventually, base runners (walkers) were even coaching our fielders. Gosh darn it, they were just so nice. But now, onto the recap.


We took an early lead with some good hitting from Harry Potter (+5 Points to Gryffindor) and some of the Brians. Then the bottom of the first happened. Whoops.


From there, it went a little something like this: The Tappers spent what seemed like 23 innings (it was one, maybe two) drilling the ball into other fields, and at one point, Pittsburgh. We had a couple of mini-rallies (brought to you by the SPTR), one of which I killed by blowing a base running call (sorry Harry, -5 from me). We scored at least one more run, probably more, but definitely one because I scored late in the game. Essentially, after a safe 5246 point lead, SPTR began playing Tucker-style ball, and killed us a little more softly. It could've easily been a slasher-style murder, but instead they put a fluffy pillow on our face and whispered "Sssshhh" until we stopped twitching. 


In closing, I would like to thank the SPTR for their good sportsmanship (Whitmarsh is crying somewhere while Memorial Nick is hitting on an almost 18 year old) and dedicate the following song to them:

SCORE: There was a score. 


INJURY REPORT: BK didn't have it his way when a ball collided with his noggin. In a post-game interview, BK mumbled incoherently for a few minutes before proclaiming that he should have left his hat on and something about He-Man. 


MORAL VICTORY: We brought out the best of the SPTR. Then I went to a bar with a Scientist and a Wizard.


QUOTES:


"Ow." - Charlotte


"This is Buddy: Glug glug glug!" - Brett Favre
"Glug glug to you too, sir!" - Buddy


"I got picked up at the Art Museum today!"
"By who?"
"A Harlot and a Hussey."


"We all showed up in one Volkswagen." - Me, to a Tapper, after we made five errors. On one play.

Anteating hipster putdown

"Did you see that?! I got a double play!" - Speak-N-Spellman, clearly ignoring the fact that the runners stopped. 

"Check out this blog!" - Jilly from Philly
"OMG I love blogs!" - Your faithful blogger
"Pat, I am sad that you are just discovering this site. I have lost many an hour to this blog over the past 2 years." - Kidnappable Allie
"And Allie off the top turn buckle with a Flying Hipster Putdown." - Mickles


"You have some serious nips going on." Char, to Speak-n-Spellman
"Do you want some band aids?" Da Ali V Show, also to Speaks

"School is fun, but Professor Snape gives too much homework." - Harry Potter


"Who's funding this?" Giant Rooster


"You want to fuck the devil?" Confused drunk to Mr. Potter

Yes, Master

Another (scheduled) game and another rainy day. Today's forecast is about as sunny as the Tappers' disposition. Whether the game happens or not, here are a few things for you to consider.

• Running forward to the ball is easier than trying to catch it over your shoulder. Play deep.
• To a toddler, the Academy of Natural Sciences is a cross between a zoo and a pet cemetary.
• The Liberty Bell and Betsy Ross had a great PR team to get this famous.
• A hot dog and/or PBR cannon would make our games more interesting.
• Buddy, despite ascending to captainship, is still bald.
• I need more people to send me quotes/amusing anecdotes from our games.
• Brian Hussey has a different definition of love than I do.

Trade Rumor: Word on the alley is that the Gryffindor Quidditch team is looking to make cap room by trading Harry Potter to the Rising Suns for two draft picks.

Predicted (Heckilng) Score: Old City out heckle the Taps  56 to -3

Tonight's Forecast

Bishops Molest Freedom

This guy was clearly rooting against us

That's another one in the L column, folks. After a slow start, we showed a little fire in the sixth, but it was too little, too late. Mike the Scientist finally got to use Physics on the mound and did pretty well. Beth made her pitching debut and was pretty solid. We may look to sticking with 1-2 pitchers per game in the future.

Fielding was again our weak point, particularly when an Asscap missed an easy throw at first. A couple of times the outfield was caught playing a bit too shallow, despite Janet Jackson's warning from last week's blog post (no one reads this shit, I just write it to entertain myself after a loss).

On the plus side, there was food. And, on the tenth anniversary of AI's rant, some of us practiced. From the practice we gathered that Mike the Scientist may not be the first to pick up on dirty jokes, but he sure can pitch. Jill is quite stellar in outfield, as was Ali last week. The lesson here is that we can put ladies in positions other than pitcher, catcher, and second base.

SCORE: 26-8

INJURY REPORT: Early reports are coming in regarding a bunch of bruised egos. Apart from that, one of the Bishops fell over randomly at first but still got my slow ass out. Also, the team had it's ringer removed when Actual Nick couldn't make the game.

MORAL VICTORY: We scored our first no-out runs of the season, got a couple of extra base hits, and I won a bet about how many times BK would take of his hat. I bet 4, and he only dehatted twice. His betrothed guessed something like 17. Wrong.

QUOTES:

"Let's go Catherine!" - Some Hussey
"That's Charlotte!" - People who care about names

"You disappoint us when you're not drunk!" - Benchwarmers to Speak-n-Spellman
"That's what my mother always said." - Dejected Spellman

"Can someone help me catch?" - Da Ali V Show
"Sure. First, open your glove." - Some asshole

"I saw a black bear once." - Spelly
"Racist." - Asscap PW

"FUCK!!!" - BK, to a ball

"There are three Brians and two Husseys on the team." - Bench
"Oh there are definitely more than two Husseys on this team." - Peanut Gallery
"I don't get it." - A Scientist

"What the hell just happened?" - Jilly from Philly, either halfway through our game or halfway through From Dusk Till Dawn

"I'm going to drill Buddy." - Whitmarsh

Bishop Takes Pawn

Barring a miracle from the magic of Supermoon, we're not looking too great in our match-up against Bishop's Collar on Monday night. On the bright side, we opened our season against the top four teams in the league, so we weren't expected to do much of anything. Maybe with a little practice we can be more competitive. On the not-so-bright side, I'm almost out of tequila.

Prediction: Bad Guys - 18, Good Guys - 11